In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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