So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
