Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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