I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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