When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize