I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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