You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
