cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize