I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
