stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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