Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
