laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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