apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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