Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
