How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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