My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
