I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
