we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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