So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
