I don't remember. Are we still dating?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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