I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
