i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
