I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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