i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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