Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
