i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
