I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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