At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize