"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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