I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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