I wanna bring you to show and tell
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
When are your genitals available?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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