Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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