I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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