i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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