On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
