Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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