new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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