I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
