Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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