i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
