Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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