I puked a lego.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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