My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
