Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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