Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
