Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
