I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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