I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
