if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize