Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
that may or may not have been my penis.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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