If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
