Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Randomize
