I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
