$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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