I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize