I want to have your abortion
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
