I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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