i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
