Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
