legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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