Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
